A Coquette Abreast the Axerophthol
by Thought Experiment
Summary: Bill Nye finally retires from his career and decides to live the high life; but, after living the high life a little too much, he stops at a local pharmacy to retrieve some medications. Little did he know, the chance encounter with a certain someone would change his life completely.
1. Chapter 1

It was the first night of Bill Nye's resignation from his show, _Bill Nye the Science Guy_, and he could already feel the happiness seeping into his pores as he exited the building and walked to his parked 1970's Plymouth Superbird. He admired the sight of the car from a distance, standing idly to soak in the fact that he was done coming to work; he amassed enough currency to relieve himself from all duties - _he was blessed._

Opening the door and laying his over-exerted derriere onto the leather cushion, he leaned gently into his lab coat pocket and pulled out a joint. Being out of work had it's privileges; smoking any form of illicit substance, shaking the hand to multiple cyprians and engaging in activities that could potentially ruin a career - that is, if he had one, but he was a free man now. A free man with a lot of money on his hands; a tear formed in his eye, raising the joint to his thin lips and lighting it with his lighter.

"Science at it's finest," he said, holding the joint in front of his face and examining the smoke as it peeled off of the fine white rolling paper and dissipated into the air, "Science, indeed."

He dragged the entirety of the joint in a matter of seconds, put on his seat-belt and peeled out of the parking lot to his, now retired from, job placement building. He looked in the rear-view mirror, seeing the buildings in the distance, butterflies forming in his stomach from the lack of career, but the large developement of money. He pulled out another joint and lit it, putting it to his lips once more, but this time the smoke ran into his eyes.

After a few hastily worded curses, he quickly tossed the joint to the side and pulled his car over into a local CVS Pharmacy. The smoke had inflamed his eyes and, by science, he would not let this affect his _first day _out of work - he walked into the pharamacy rather fast and picked up a bottle of Axerophthol from the back. He examined the curious packaging closer and it read:

"Axerophthol, pill-form, is filled with non-fat substances to increase vision and cure inflamed eyes. This pill should be taken every eight hours until symptoms cease."

Bill took this as a challenge; the first day off of work and he was already being badgered by the likes of a bottle, for science-sakes. He didn't take just one, but _two, _before the eight-hour marking period to step up on the obvious tyranny that was _bottle_.

With a quiet snicker and a low grin, he escorted himself to the front of the store, stepping into the line at the cash register. As he continued to view the bottle in his hands waiting for the line the decrease in size, a girl walked up next to him, bumping him gently with her hips. She seemed to not notice, most likely due to the fact that her pupils were dilated to the size of the Sun and her hips had the gravitional mass of Venus. Bill looked to her, pulling his enthralled vision from the bottle, and gave her a cold stare, "Excuse you," he said in a demeaning tone.

Her fingers were boney as she lowered the Gucci-brand glasses over her eyes, giving the gesture that she did not give two shits about the old man or whatever happened to him and her hips. "Excuse you," - Bill repeated this twice until the girl turned her body, facing him, and asked, "What's your problem again, old-timer?"

Bill was taken aback, jumping behind himself with a huge gasp and wide eyes. He couldn't believe this woman; not only that she was a _woman _and that Bill Nye, himself, was a sexist, but the fact that she did not even have the decency to apologize to him after clearly hitting him with her hips.

"I'll tell you what, young lady, you have the-" Bill Nye was cut off; the register worker had been calling him for the past minute, awaiting his business. Bill gave a mean glare to the woman and began to get out his wallet, pulling out a one hundred dollar bill and asking to break the _bill _into twenties.

The woman beside him lowered her glasses beyond her olfactory organ and glanced down at his wallet. She was clearly engulfed in the envelopment of his vast amount of cash, but she also had peered down at his body to see if she was _willing_ for all that cash. Bill Nye nodded at the cashier, gave one last look to the woman and began walking out of the store.

As he walked to his Plymouth, the woman had come out of the store and pushed him up against the exterior, pulling a lollipop from her mouth and staring into Bill's eyes. Bill was, again, taken aback and asked the question soon after such exposition, "W-what're you doing?"

She threw the lollipop down on the ground and looked into his eyes again, "The name's Lizzie," she put her Gucci glasses back on, "Lizzie McGuire." The stunning development had Bill in tears, for all he wanted to do was head to his condo on Second Street and blast Led Zeppplin, playing League of Legends.

"Nice to meet you, Lizzie, but I do have to go," as Bill said this, he rushed the other side of the car, fondeling the keys in his hands and looking for the appropriate one to fit the lock. Lizzie walked over, seductively, and put her thigh on Bill's leg.

"I see you have a lot of money, sir." - she said, moving her left hand up to her spaghetti strap tanktop and moving the thin strap slightly to the left, "Maybe we can make a trade."

Bill knew _exactly _what was happening and began to ponder, his anxiety levels tracing downward.

"What did you have in mind, Ms. McGuire?"


	2. Chapter 2

The young woman leaned closer, pressing her lightly salivated lips to his earlobe, and sighed heavily, allowing her hot breath to brush the side of Bill's face. Her right hand draped over his neck, her fingers dancing elegantly to the tune of sensuality. Bill's face turned from a grimace to sheer pleasure as his eyes gazed down onto Ms. McGuire's backside.

"Those trace chemicals of Boron and Copper," - lowering his hands to her hips, she quickly pulled away and walked over to the passenger side of his car. Her eyes toying with his ruttish mind and corneous nature; she knew very well she had him in a stupor and she also knew that this would be her biggest client yet.

"Let's go, Mr. Scientist," she exclaimed from across the car's hood, releasing her hand from the door and entering the vehicle, "I'd love to take this back to your place." - buckling her seat belt and getting comfortable, she looked over to him, giving a wink. He fluttered with his keys until he finally put the car in ignition, reversing out of the pharmacy and making his way back to his place.

"It is a bit far away from here, Miss."

"That's fine,_ Bill_."

Bill looked over at her as he peeled the car into the drive way of his apartment complex. The sun was falling down and night time was upon them, as he unbuckled his seat belt and exited the car. "Right this way, McGuire," he said with regality, letting her know that she was being _treated _tonight.

They walked up the wooden and shoddy steps of the complex to a door called _3B, _to which right next to the door name was a crude sharpie marking that added _"ill"_. A clever joke, but seemingly humorless - it was going to be a long night if _that _was the comedy he had in mind.

Putting his key in and opening the door, the swift stench of Marijuana protruded from the warm interior, making Lizzie cover her nose and close her eyes. At first, she was taken aback by the overwhelming foetor, but it quickly turned to joy as she looked around his apartment.

"Welcome to my apartment, Ms. McGuire." - he said, raising his arms and spinning around, making mention of all the things around the room. It wasn't so much run-down as it was trashed and covered in various illicit substances. The left side wall was filled with shelves, which harbored mass amounts of marijuana and bongs - the right side was a simple mattress on the floor, covered in blow-up dolls and McDonald's fast food.

"I never thought you would be the type to-" she was cut off by him, as he pulled a gas mask bong over his head and lit the bowl. He took the mask off quickly, allowing the smoke to rise and his eyes to dilate to the size of Jupiter itself.

"-to do drugs?" he interrupted her, after taking a hit from his mask, "When you run a bunch of networks and science groups, you tend to have access to the best money can buy, and the best buy money can access."

Lizzie was confused by the sentence, most likely because whatever he smoked made him already high and illiterate. She walked over to his bed and plopped down on the bed - she wanted to get this over with as fast as possible; she motioned her hand for him to come over and commence intersexual carnal knowledge.

Bill walked over in a fit of high hysteria and begin pulling his belt out of his belt loops, giving Lizzie the "eye". From his perspective, he was turning her on, but from her perspective, he was just winking until his eyes watered.

Mr. Nye finally took the belt out from his loops and begin to slowly remove his lab coat, dancing for Lizzie. Again, his perspective showed an erotic dance, or what he liked to call the "mating ritual", but for Lizzie it was him flailing his arms making subtle groans and murmors.

He finally crawled into the bed with Lizzie, her hands pressing to his face pulling him in for a kiss. Bill's hands ran up from her hips and to the sides of her chest, rubbing passionately onto her skin. He looked into her eyes and, upon further examination, one would find that both his fully expanded pupils where at opposite corners of his eyes, making it difficult to comprehend where Mr. Nye was looking.

As he looked into.. opposite corners of the room, he whispered to her, "You must be auxin, because your causing me to have rapid stem elongation."

Lizzie pulled back, "What?"

His pupils kept moving farther from the center of his eyes as he got closer to reply, "Are you Arsenic Sulfide, because I'm 'bout to tear that _AsS_ up" - he piledrived her with his arm into the pillows and began to penetrate her with extreme force. She cried out in pain, but domination was one of her sexual desires, so she played along until the anguish quickly turned to delight.

"_Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!" _she shouted, as he pushed one last time into her axe wound, letting out a ravenous battle-cry at the top of his lungs. He pulled out and rolled over onto the opposite side of the bed, allowing himself time to recover from the wizard's sleeve and her, as well.

"That was fantastic, Bill." she put her panties back on and curled up into the blankets on his bed, "You're a great love-maker." As she looked up at the ceiling, she was confused that he had not been talking; she leaned over to look at him, "Why aren't you-"

_"How do you know my name, Ms. McGuire?"_ - he was toying with a machete in his hand, looking entranced by the shine of the blade itself, _"I never told you my name."_


End file.
